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Transvestitism has always been a kind ofperformance art in which, in my case, I'm both performer and viewer,fashion designer and runway audience; though all of this seems to stressthe visual, whereas, in my case, clothes' tactility has always been mostimportant. Hence my obsession with hosiery. I realized more and morethat, beneath the chic fashionableness--in some circles--of queer posturingand philosophically hollow gender nonconformity, all of the internalrealities of lifelong cross-dressers like myself still surge and spilland shoot like hot lava, as do the philosophically comprehensive andreasonable principles of androgyny; which principles concern themselveswith the nature of personal and collective holism--ethical, in a sense, aswell as aesthetic.One afternoon, I awake from a dream I remember as being vivid but do not,perhaps ironically, remember a single detail of, to discover a note in myhandwriting on the coffee table that I didn't (still don't) rememberwriting:"What good. Moms parents lived in Mexico, and she stayed with her sister in California. The news of her out of marriage pregnancy disgusted her family, and she was kicked out of the house. My mom moved in with my dad, and they struggled through those early years. After I was born, things got worse, and my dad ended up going back to his ex-wife. My mom was left with no money, but a young, beautiful, big breasted, mexican girl is offered work quickly. An older black man gave her money and a place to stay, in exchange for her working at his stripclub in a bad part of town, and satisfying his needs of course. At this time, mom was 17. She became very popular quickly for her small frame, large breasts, and beautiful face. My mom lived with another teenage stripper. They would drop me off with my aunt at night before work, then go work at the stripclub, where mostly black men would pay the owner to fuck his teenage strippers. By the time mom was 18, she was pregnant again, and didnt know who the.
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